Hi.  My name is Jade, and I have a problem. (This is where you're supposed to say, "Hi, Jade.") I've realized that over the past 3 years or so, I've become addicted to most facets of self-help, from DIY televisions shows, to shows like "Dr. Oz" and "Dr. Drew,"  to magazines. It seems like I'm obsessed with making things better!

Well, over the holidays, my subscription to a magazine with Jennifer Hudson on the cover came in. The cover page said she'd be discussing her weight loss as well as how she maintains through the holidays.  You'd think I would have read it over the holidays or even before. That would've made more sense. But no. Not me.  Somehow, I managed to look over the magazine week after week.... Until yesterday!

I don't know what made me pick it up yesterday, but I skimmed the pages and read the J-Hud article (It was nothing to fawn over but ok). Unfortunately for me, though, what I could not escape was a small "advise" section that didn't even take a quarter of the page.  The topic was what kinds of panties are harmful.  Granted, this is good information to have, as health is always important.  However, I get TIRED of someone else always trying to dictate what my undergarments should be!  They are undergarments for a reason: They are to be worn UNDER my garments, which means they're no one else's business but the person that I choose to see them if I so desire.

As women, we hear it all the time, "Wear these, and he'll think you're the sexiest woman he's ever seen," "Put this on and it'll smooth out all of your problem areas," and "Your bras and panties should always match."  It gets annoying after a certain point.  Thongs cause UTI's, girdles can lead to nerve damage, and cotton worn while working out may absorb your sweat but it stays there, thus causing other infections if working out for prolonged periods.

So, what are we supposed to wear, geniuses?  My guess would be that every pair of panties has some sort of safety issue.... Yes, even "the grannies." So, knowing what to wear, when to wear them, and why may be beneficial.  The following is my guide for what and how to wear the right panties (for entertainment purposes only):

1. Granny panties: Right after having a baby, when you're on your cycle, and when you want to feel exceptionally holy at church.  That's it.

2. Bikini panties: Almost always befitting.  But when working out, it is suggested to wear panties with a bamboo seat as moisture is not only pulled away from the sensitive areas, but it's also dispersed elsewhere. Now, it may appear that you've had "an accident," but at least you won't have body odor and uncomfortable itching.

3. String bikinis: Not to be worn if you have a "booty-do" (You know.... Your stomach sticks out more than your "booty-do."  I know that's incorrect grammar, but that's what it's called, unofficially, of course.)  This is for two reasons. First, the string may not be able to hold on too long. Second, if you have a "booty-do," they're not going to be sexy on you anyway.

4. Boy shorts: Feel free to wear these at all times. Just make sure they have a cotton seat (unless you're working out, of course) and that the waistband isn't too restrictive.  A rigid waistband can cause nerve damage.

5. Thongs: Only wear these when you won't be in them long. Simply put, thongs aren't meant to be worn all day and definitely not meant to be slept in.

Now, as you can see, there seems to be an issue with every type of panty.  So, I have a very simple guide to wearing the right panties... Put them in your pocket.  That's right. I said it.  Put your panties in your pocket. Here's why: Rarely do we have a matching set that meets our needs.  If we find a bra cup that doesn't give us that extra lump on top, the panties that match are either grannies (and remember they're already a no-no) or thongs.  So, here's what you do:  You buy the pretty bra that fits properly, and you buy the panties that match, unless they're grannies. If the panties that match are bikini's you've struck gold.  However, if they're not, don't fret. You wear your bra with whatever bikinis or boy shorts you want. And when the time for intimacy comes, excuse yourself to the bathroom, freshen up and dry off (we'll discuss that in a future post), and slip on the panties that match the bra. Yes, even thongs are okay in this instance because they won't be on long. That way, your partner still has the desired visual and you don't have to compromise your comfort or health in any way. Now, if your partner has this weird fixation with granny panties, by all means, treat them the same as thongs. Put them on and wear them until the do is done, but just like your mom always told you not to be caught in dirty or hole-riddled panties, trust me. When people see you wearing granny panties, they're going to start asking for peppermint. They go hand-in-hand. As a matter of fact, I think they come as a set.  Buy a pair and get a pack of peppermint free.

Now that you've read this, I only ask that you not try to pick my pocket or purse (the other variation) trying to figure out what kind of panties I may have therein because 9 times out of 10, there won't be any, as I think this post is about as useless as anything else I've ever read in regards to what panties I should wear. I wear what I want and so should you!